Have you heard the expression, “It’s what’s on the inside that counts?” How about “Don’t judge a book by its cover?” Or maybe “Appearances can be deceiving?” We are quick to look at someone or something and form an opinion. However, all of the above emphasise the importance of what is on the inside, not just what we perceive on the outside.
As someone who has had cancer twice, by all accounts on the outside I am doing well. My hair has grown back which is often one of the obvious signs of treatment, and one of the most difficult things to walk through. My immune system is now stronger which means my body can fight off threats of infection that I come into contact with around me.
For those that know me well, the inside tells a different story. There is the very real trauma and anxiety that follow a life-altering event like cancer. Having cancer and overcoming it once is painful. Having it again carries a different weight, especially with a young family in tow this time. Living with cancer, I can only imagine, brings with it another layer of fear, uncertainty, and the sustaining grace of God to endure.
I am thankful to be alive. To watch my children have another birthday. To experience another birthday of my own. To have long life is something I hope for; to embrace ageing rather than hiding the wrinkles and the crown of grey hair. Yet, there is that sneaking shadow of sorrow that hangs in my mind, whispering that I have no idea what’s happening to me on the inside. Is the cancer really gone for good? Does it hide in the corners of my cells like a bear in hibernation waiting for the winter to pass before it emerges once again?
Internally, both my physical health and my mental health have taken a beating. Spiritually there are scars, too. The pain of doubt, fear and worry from the deep darkness of my experience lingers. All of it has caused me to question and cry out to God. Yet, this dependence upon His grace, mercy and the very character of who He is, has strengthened me inwardly at my most weakest moments. These moments of deep agony of the soul have thrust me into a humble longing for truth and hope in the midst of deep despair. I have stored up for myself treasure in heaven and hidden His Word in my heart. This treasure trove has enriched me in my suffering.
Faith in Christ by the power of His Spirit at work in us transforms our inward places. He works in those hidden parts of ourselves that require the deepest surgery; wounds that cut deep into the heart of who we are that only God can make whole. As God reveals Himself to us through opening our eyes to His everlasting love on the cross through Jesus, we are transformed from the inside out.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 2 Corinthians 4:16
As I sat in the hospital waiting room for a blood test recently, I looked at the faces of staff, patients and relatives. Some were very young, others very old. I wondered what they were thinking and where they were going. Life is but a breath, a fleeting shadow, a mist (Psalm 144:4, James 4:14). We have no idea what tomorrow will bring. We only have today. May we cry out to the one who has saved us by His blood shed at Calvary, who can transform and renew us completely, with the promise of an eternal hope and new life with Him forever.
Ruth Clemence – Writer and Blogger 