Let me take you on a journey. I think many of you might join me at the start. But as we progress, some of you will click right off with an eye-roll. Others may venture further with me before throwing words like rocks via comments, emails, or unsubscribes. Still, a few will travel forward with me in trepidation, but silently feel ruffled and annoyed. Others may hang on patiently to the end. Dare I say, some of you might actually agree with what I’m saying. Let’s see what happens from there.
A little background
Why am I starting off with an ‘approach with caution’ vibe? You’ll have to sit tight whilst I unwrap it. This has been the biggest shift in my approach to writing for a long time. From using a typewriter as a young girl, to scribbling fictional story ideas in countless notebooks, and having a yellow binder folder of poetry, my writing has changed over the years. I have embraced it. It’s been thrilling. However, my writing journey has been far from comfortable.
Cancer came at 19 like an unwelcome, unwanted intruder. Writing became a source of sanity and survival. It was my outlet. A way to process suffering and faith. This blog was born. I wanted to show others how I still believed and trusted in Jesus in the face of suffering. He was still a good God in my sorrow.
After graduating from a subject that had nothing to do with writing, I found myself unemployed. During that season, I discovered the joy in pursuing writing professionally. I researched publications that I could pitch article ideas to. I gained freelance work from a magazine. I was published online and in print across various channels. I had work experience at a local newspaper. I thought I would become a journalist. Over the years, I have greatly enjoyed writing for print and online publications. But I have also found myself increasingly unsettled.
The truth behind the byline
It’s true. There is nothing quite like seeing your name in print next to something you have written. It’s exciting. It doesn’t get old. Every writer (if I can postulate) dreams of seeing their name in print. But there is another potential dark side to it. This, along with other circumstances, has left me rethinking my approach to writing.
I have used the word ‘recalibrating’ in the title of this post because that is the journey I am finding myself on. To recalibrate means ‘to change the way you do or think about something’. That is precisely where I find myself as a writer. To try and articulate this has been a process and I am still working it through. I could wait until I have firm conclusions. Yet, life keeps moving forward, and there is no time like the present to take you with me.
(Note: Someone once commented that I should be careful about being so vulnerable on my blog. There is some wisdom there. However, I think that expressing my own weakness in this area may be of help to someone else who also recognises it in themselves, too. Plus, it’s my blog!)
Areas of recalibration
Identity
My identity is in Christ alone. It’s firm and secure. However, I have felt the trappings and temptation of idolatry, envy and covetousness toward my brothers and sisters in Christ in publishing. Writing became an identity of how I viewed myself. It cast a shadow over the freedom and joy of being a child of God. There is no greater wonder. Yet, I made other things and people have a greater place in my mind and heart.
Moreover, an abundance of Christian resources have sprung up like an unending marketplace. Weeds of sin with deep roots have sprouted up in my heart as my pride looked upon rows of books, gifts, subscriptions and quietly whispered ‘discontent‘. If only you had that, then you would be successful, a real writer, admired, worthy. It is horrifying to type that. But even if I never said a word, that was the unintentional consequence of being a writer in the Christian marketplace.
Would those feelings exist in a non-Christian market? I think pride lurks and creeps. It needs to be killed wherever it is found. But it bothers me that we put a price tag on the truth of God’s Word. Truth that cost Jesus His life. We exchange it, build businesses, platforms, conferences, and create big names out of authors, speakers, and publishers around it. We sell tickets at great cost, put Christian teaching behind paywalls, charge thousands for seminary tuition to train leaders, and I could go on.
We are left reeling when Christians that we have elevated high in their work and ministry come crashing down with a fall. We point the finger in disgust. Maybe we need to point it to our own hearts first. Maybe we need to think of how we have idolised their names above Christ. I point the finger at myself first. I have been to the conferences, bought all the books whilst displaying an incredible lack of self-control, purchased multiple courses, subscribed to ministries with cost attached, and more. All I can do is hold my hands up and say this is an issue close to my heart. It’s painful. But I am so thankful for God’s gentle whisper. And His triumphant victory at the cross bringing forgiveness, mercy, and grace for every season.
Purpose
Off the back of this marketplace mentality, I found myself constantly comparing myself to others. This is not limited to writing but is the double-edged sword of living in a media saturated, online world. Comparison is truly the thief of joy. It’s exhausting. Therefore, I am recalibrating my purpose once again in writing. Why do I write? Who do I write for?
My original aim on this blog was to glorify God in my suffering. As I mentioned earlier, it has shifted slightly over the years but I still long to glorify God with my words. I have always wanted to write and to help people. With the Lord’s guidance, I plan to continue to try and do that here, stewarding the gift He has given me. This means letting go and stepping back from trying to ‘prove’ myself as a writer with a portfolio. It became a bigger monster in my head than it needed to be. I simply want to enjoy writing and creating. It’s a posture of surrender to where God leads, rather than me trying to forge a path built on the shaky foundation of self.
Physical changes
A small, but significant recalibration worth noting is how my mind has become more foggy and forgetful. After a call with a cancer nurse, it’s likely linked to stress and effects of cancer treatment on my hormones. This has made certain things harder for me to do. From concentration, memory, articulation of ideas, keeping up, learning new things… it’s all a little bit slower. It takes time. I am grateful to stop, reflect and be thankful that I am not trying to get ahead.
Transformation
Over time, my thinking has changed about what it means to freely receive and give as a Christian writer. As a matter of conscience, I have struggled seeing how much of Christianity has been commercialised. I do not think we should sell God’s Word. Ministry should be supported but never sold. It should be accessible for all, not just for a group who can afford it. I am still exploring what this means and looks like for me today. I would encourage you to take a look at Selling Jesus and Copy.Church to find out more about where some of my thoughts on this have stemmed from.
What next?
I’m not pushing this onto others. It’s been a journey for me to get to this point. I am still being transformed by God’s grace and I don’t always get it right. But I long to give others food for thought, as I share this recalibration in my writing.
I am still showing up and typing for God’s glory. Trusting and relying on Christ who is establishing my steps and renewing my mind by His Spirit. I’m taking uncomfortable steps that may result in ruffling feathers along the way. I’m still praying and exploring what is next for this writing journey, and I’m excited. For the first time in years, I am embracing fiction again! But let’s not skip too far ahead. I am holding onto every lesson I have learned along the way. Nothing is wasted.
Have you journeyed with me this far? Thank you. Whether this is the first post you have ever read of mine or the hundredth post, thank you. I pray that you will journey with me going forward. Come and behold the one who I write about and for. Jesus Christ. To Him be all glory, honour and praise.
Ruth Clemence 