Somewhere in the Middle

All it takes is a trigger. One comment. A thought. An image. Sitting here on my own day after day I have become vulnerable, isolated, low. In these moments of my day, all it takes is a trigger. Then that familiar feeling of sadness and anxiety creeps in. Yesterday was different. I cried and cried. For about 45 minutes. Then I cried some more.

Emotional. Hard to reach. Frustrated. Me.

I have always been the sensitive type. Always told to grow a thicker skin like I was a vegetable that could be replanted. Taking offense to constructive criticism. Forever focusing on the one negative comment, rather than the 20 positive ones.

Yesterday was a bad day.

Slumping into the chair upstairs. Bible open. Tears streaming. Angry, honest cries for help to the Lord who knows. Who understands.

‘You have to speak to me.’

I plead with God as if I need to convince Him to have a conversation with me.

Really it’s me that needs convincing. I know that I can be honest before the Lord at anytime. But it is only when I am driven down to despair on my knees that I start to pray. Why? Why do I see prayer as a last resort, rather than as a conversation between a loving, Heavenly Father and me, His beloved child? I am HIS.

After pouring my heart out before the Lord in anger, frustration and sadness, a small victory emerged. I managed to read aloud Psalm 37. Through sobs and breathlessness, I managed to utter these much needed words:

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will act.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him…

Better is the little that the righteous has than the abundance of many wicked.

The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in His way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.

My crying ceased. My breathing calmed. The word of God is living; it overflows with hope and joy.

I got up from my chair, put on my coat and shoes and went outside to clear my head.

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iPod on.

Music playing.

Be still, my soul.

Then a song played that spoke into my heart – God made something very clear through it.

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You’re making me
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You’re by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I’m caught in the middle

Surrender.

Surrender.

Surrender.

Surrender it all, fully, to the Lord.

Surrender that job, fully, to the Lord.

How can I surrender fully without losing all control?

I have given aspects of my life to the Lord. I have in one sense surrendered to God and accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour who, by His death and resurrection, has reconciled me to God.

But have I surrendered my job situation fully to God?

Have I surrendered my anxiety and low moods fully to God?

Have I surrendered money and finances fully to God?

Have I surrendered my marriage fully to God?

Have I surrendered my writing fully to God?

Have I surrendered my struggles with my weight over fully to God? My health? My family? My church? My friends?

I like to maintain elements of control over my life. It is a good feeling to be in control. Or is it?

When I try and take control of the several fragmented pieces of my fragile life, I seem to shatter it even more. I am frantically trying to remain level-headed, happy, perfect, healthy, career-savvy, lovely… Truly, I tell you I am caught in the middle. Desperately trying to let go of that girl that was, and embrace that girl who is to be in the light of eternity in God’s presence. But right now, I am the girl who is battling against the flesh as she tries to walk in the Spirit.

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Thank goodness for the God who was, and is, and is to come (Revelation 1:8)

How amazing that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8)

In the beginning Christ was there with God the Father in heaven; He was there before Abraham! He simply is. Jesus said ‘Before Abraham was born, I am!’ (John 8:58)

As I start on this new journey of letting go of me, embracing all of God and surrendering fully in everything that I have desperately tried to cling on to, I am comforted to know that God is. He never changes even though I am caught in the middle of this life. He has a plan for my life and as I look back over those verses from Psalm 37, I can rest in the knowledge that He has me right where I am supposed to be. I am not a mistake. This part of my life is working out to bring Him even greater glory than if I self-righteously and boastfully proclaimed that I had it altogether.

Join with me in prayer as I fully surrender it all before Him. I pray that you may be encouraged to bring whatever it is you are trying to control at the foot of the cross. He has you in the palm of His hand, and He loves you.

P.S. God did answer my prayer. He did speak with me that day! 🙂

Linking up with Grace and Truth and Dance With Jesus today – come on over and read more wonderful bloggers’ words!