Sat at the keyboard, all I want to do is curl up in bed, pull the duvet up over my head and sleep. Before I fall asleep I would probably shed some tears. I cry – a lot. It’s part of me expressing that inward ache of deep sadness. Rather than yelling, I cry. Rather than ignoring, I weep. It is my way to let it all out. All of the pain, the anxiety, the fear, the doubt.
The keys press in and pop up as I type my heart on screen. It’s smearing all over the place. There is a lump in my throat. My bed isn’t far away. Do I keep on typing or can I just go now?
I carry on. I always carry on. I blog because it’s my heart shared with you. I can’t help it.
Right now, I doubt my ability to write.
Right now, I need to be encouraged.
Right now, I need words to whisper that ‘you’re doing great for the Kingdom.’
Yesterday I wrote about revival.
Today I need reviving.
I can’t help but feel that the closer I am to the Lord, the harder the enemy presses in and tries to suffocate me and yank my faith from my heart that pounds for Jesus.
My eyes must meet the cross. I am broken.
It’s so tempting to fix my wandering eyes over Facebook, Twitter and WordPress for some false sense of approval.
In my quiet soul, I seek something other than God’s faithfulness.
‘Why don’t they like my post? Why didn’t they share it? Is it because it’s a bad post? Is it too long? Why does a picture of a cute cuddly animal or a vase of flowers get a round of applause and the thumbs up, whilst the words from my heart get a firm, eerie silence?’
Christian author Ann Voskamp wrote:
JESUS HIMSELF HAD ONLY 12 FOLLOWERS.
AND HE LOST ONE.
So if Jesus had only 12 followers… how many followers do we really need? If God Himself had only 12 followers and He lost one — would you blog for even one follower?
‘For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.’ Galatians 1:10
When I started blogging in 2011 I wanted to share my life with readers when I was experiencing cancer, whilst telling them about how God was right there with me. Always point to Jesus.
The chemo stopped. The cancer’s gone. My blog remains. God is still here.
I’m still pointing.
The purpose of this blog is to write about everyday life and how God is in every blessed moment – even the dark, ugly, scary, crazy, secret, difficult times.
Writing is a solitary process. There are days of doubting. Last night ended that way. This morning began that way.
Even in the solitude however, God is there, crafting my words gently and lovingly. My heart is being transformed daily as I learn to lean on Him more than my words or the ‘likes’ and ‘re-tweets’.
I’m simply me. A twenty-something Christian girl writing about the One who knows my aching heart, and provides me with the soothing calm and peace I need to keep on writing.
As I have written these words, my frustration and fear has left me and has been replaced with fresh boldness and confidence. I know that I am doing what God has called me to do. What can possibly dampen this spirit when I am on a mission from the Lord?
What a change from the opening paragraph.