Sat at the keyboard, all I want to do is curl up in bed, pull the duvet up over my head and sleep. Before I fall asleep I would probably shed some tears. I cry – a lot. It’s part of me expressing that inward ache of deep sadness. Rather than yelling, I cry. Rather than ignoring, I weep. It is my way to let it all out. All of the pain, the anxiety, the fear, the doubt.
The keys press in and pop up as I type my heart on screen. It’s smearing all over the place. There is a lump in my throat. My bed isn’t far away. Do I keep on typing or can I just go now?
I carry on. I always carry on. I blog because it’s my heart shared with you. I can’t help it.
Right now, I doubt my ability to write.
Right now, I need to be encouraged.
Right now, I need words to whisper that ‘you’re doing great for the Kingdom.’
Yesterday I wrote about revival.
Today I need reviving.
I can’t help but feel that the closer I am to the Lord, the harder the enemy presses in and tries to suffocate me and yank my faith from my heart that pounds for Jesus.
My eyes must meet the cross. I am broken.
It’s so tempting to fix my wandering eyes over Facebook, Twitter and WordPress for some false sense of approval.
In my quiet soul, I seek something other than God’s faithfulness.
‘Why don’t they like my post? Why didn’t they share it? Is it because it’s a bad post? Is it too long? Why does a picture of a cute cuddly animal or a vase of flowers get a round of applause and the thumbs up, whilst the words from my heart get a firm, eerie silence?’
Christian author Ann Voskamp wrote:
JESUS HIMSELF HAD ONLY 12 FOLLOWERS.
AND HE LOST ONE.
So if Jesus had only 12 followers… how many followers do we really need? If God Himself had only 12 followers and He lost one — would you blog for even one follower?
‘For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.’ Galatians 1:10
When I started blogging in 2011 I wanted to share my life with readers when I was experiencing cancer, whilst telling them about how God was right there with me. Always point to Jesus.
The chemo stopped. The cancer’s gone. My blog remains. God is still here.
I’m still pointing.
The purpose of this blog is to write about everyday life and how God is in every blessed moment – even the dark, ugly, scary, crazy, secret, difficult times.
Writing is a solitary process. There are days of doubting. Last night ended that way. This morning began that way.
Even in the solitude however, God is there, crafting my words gently and lovingly. My heart is being transformed daily as I learn to lean on Him more than my words or the ‘likes’ and ‘re-tweets’.
I’m simply me. A twenty-something Christian girl writing about the One who knows my aching heart, and provides me with the soothing calm and peace I need to keep on writing.
As I have written these words, my frustration and fear has left me and has been replaced with fresh boldness and confidence. I know that I am doing what God has called me to do. What can possibly dampen this spirit when I am on a mission from the Lord?
What a change from the opening paragraph.
7 thoughts on “Writing When It Hurts”
Thank you Ruth.
My blogging is at a snails pace at the moment, has been for some time.
I have a lot of anguish and distress at the moment. As I was going to a situation today I read your post from my emails. It uplifted me. The anguish is still there, and my writing is blocked but your post has touched me.
You never know when God is going to use you,
Barbara, x x x
Ruth, My blogging is at a snails pace.
I have a lot of anguish and distress at the moment.
As I was going to a situation today I read your post from my emails. It uplifted me.
The anguish is still there, and my writing is blocked but your post has touched me. You never know when God is going to use you.
Thank you for your encouragement Barbara – it has really blessed me. I will pray about the anguish you are experiencing and that you may experience peace and joy and a freshness for writing for Him. Have a blessed rest of your week. You are loved! 🙂
Ruth, I discovered you when you found my blog post and encouraged me, so let me return the favor. 🙂
As I read your bio, it reminded me of me (although you’re much younger). Our blogs were both born out of a diagnosis – cancer for you and rheumatoid arthritis (RA) for me. And as we sit here, so much better off than we were, it is easy to ask if we are still on the right path. We wonder if our stories matter anymore. Your life isn’t centered around cancer and mine isn’t centered around RA. And yet, we still feel compelled to write, to proclaim God’s goodness! Let me tell you that my following is not large, either, in part because I work and can’t devote all day to my blog. For many bloggers, this IS their job. For me, it is not. It is something I do as I find the extra time, and it is written to a smaller, niche audience. Don’t be discouraged. You are right to point out that Jesus had only 12 followers, so why should we feel the need for so many more? It is the comparison trap. And yet, have you ever had someone tell you what you wrote made a difference? Just one person? Then write for that one. You have a gift and you are using it. Keep going! The kingdom of God needs you. Don’t doubt that for a minute. Blessings!
What lovely words Ruth. And it is an encouragement to me. I have been struggling with writing recently as work has been so hard and I find tiredness takes over. But I should do as you do and pour my feelings into my writing.
I remember the first time I got a comment from someone who has been helped by reading my first book. I cried tears of relief. It was worth writing if just one person was helped. It isn’t about numbers you are right. It is about being faithful to our calling from the Lord Jesus. And you are being faithful. Bless you
Hi Lynda – thank you for your wonderful comment 🙂 You are so right that is about being faithful to our calling from Christ. What’s more, we should do it with gladness because His own faithfulness for us, and He rejoices over us with song (Zephaniah 3:17). What a Wonderful Saviour we serve! 🙂 Blessings!
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