Writing this I feel numb. The words I write don’t seem to come. Watching loved ones suffer some more, I am tempted to close the door. Lock it shut. Lock it tight. I don’t have the strength to stand and fight. The tears roll down, I just don’t care. I feel guilty as they share. Listening to the hurt and anguish, all I want is to extinguish the flames of pain and shame. How can I listen, I’ve heard it before, I’m sure? I refuse to abuse the one who causes the hurt as it pulls me apart and breaks my heart.
God, I know you’re there as I weep tonight. Tomorrow is another fight; a battle you’ve won, yet the ugly rages on. I fall at the cross, yet you lift up my weary chin and keep me from the sin that battles within. You forgive, you restore and one day there will be pain no more. I have been set free from the traps of the enemy. What can man do to me or my family?
Lord, you’ve got this. Thank goodness because I don’t need this – they don’t need this. I miss them Lord, but you’ve got them in the palm of your hand and it is by your grace that I stand. Firm to the end I trust in You; my God, my Saviour, in all I do, I know it’s true. I’ve seen you – you’ve dealt with this before. As your child, in your image, these emotions I feel are yours. Let us spend time together in the quiet so I can place my armour on and hit the riot, the suffering, the hurt, face on.
I started this blog to share the suffering I experienced with a world that knows what it’s like to suffer. But was it just to moan and groan? No. I wanted to share about this God who cares – who bore the pain, who suffered, who went the extra mile to still my broken heart; who physically binds up my wounds and draws close to me. Personally, don’t you see, I have experienced Him for real – check out my testimony, less about me and more about Him. The God who was with me at the start and who goes before me and declared ‘It is finished.’ I still look for the finish line – running this race of endurance takes its time.
I’m not writing this to impress or de-stress, just to confess a place of brokenness. You see, it’s not like me to conceal my identity. This is real. Pain is tangible, tears like a waterfall; yet still my heart knows who I am. The Lord is here with me, with them and His truth goes forth throughout eternity.
Let it be known that today and every day I will praise, I will sing & I will rejoice with my voice. Nothing can stop me or hold me back; no amount of verbal abuse or physical attack. Boldness and confidence fill me – you see, that’s the Spirit of God flowing through all of me. I’m never alone, they’re never alone, because we can approach the throne of amazing grace.
Thank you Jesus.