I am learning a lot about being a mum. Or I think I am. Everyone has their own way of being a parent and puts their stamp on things. There’s lots of trial and error involved. For me, a lot of head scratching and confused looks as I try and figure my beautiful boy out.
I haven’t been sleeping well recently. Jonathan has only slept through the night a handful of times, but he began to sleep in good chunks which gave me time to recharge overnight, much like a mobile phone. Lately, he is getting up every 3 hours or so at night and the battery life on this mum is draining rapidly. My patience is usually hovering around one bar before it starts to flash.. 10% remaining… 9%… 8%… I feel myself getting close to breaking point. Eugh, I loathe you sleep deprivation.
In the morning I looked bleary eyed in the bathroom mirror, not ready to face another day feeling this exhausted. As I was squeezing out the remaining toothpaste from the tube, I looked at it and felt like I was the one being squeezed for every last ounce I could give. Squeezed. Pushed. Moved along towards being completely empty.
Becoming a mum has been a complete emptying of myself.
Yet, I am learning that this is exactly where I am supposed to be as a Christian. Poured out and emptied daily so God can fill me with more of His grace, His love, His truth. Less of me and more of Jesus. And boy, do I need Jesus.
I press down hard on the toothpaste tube, moving my finger and thumb down it so it empties – the paste comes out and my teeth get cleaned. As the shampoo nears its end and I flip it upside down and squeeze what remains, my hair gets cleaned. Sometimes it may feel like I am being squeezed and flipped upside down in life, but day by day I am being cleaned, refreshed and washed by God’s endless pouring out of love for me. I am able to go through tough times – times of being emptied, so I can be filled with His strength, His power, His Spirit.
Every day I have all that I need from Him to make it through, even if some days I feel like I am holding onto the day by the tips of my fingers. But it’s His hand that holds me and He won’t let go.
Yet I am always with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me up in glory.
Who do I have in heaven but you?
And I desire nothing on earth but you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart,
my portion forever. Psalm 73:23-26