The Shadow

I’m going to try and keep this short. We’re all busy people these days, aren’t we?

There’s so much I could say, but right now, I just don’t have the time or the right words to say.

In a nutshell, I am experiencing my first recognisable battle in the mind. I say ‘recognisable’ because I have started to recognise myself go downhill mentally. It’s kind of like a shadow that slowly catches up with me and I see it starting to cover me; it doesn’t seem to leave as quickly as I would want. Actually, I wish the shadow wouldn’t arrive at all.

I am not calling it depression yet – I’ll let the medical professionals label me with that one. Sure, it’s crossed my mind – just like that shadow. I am under the watch of a doctor and I am speaking up about it. Apparently, this is a brave thing to do. I don’t feel brave though. I just express my heart through words. That’s how I often process my thoughts.

This ‘shadow’ is not something I ever would have thought could happen to me. The challenges of mental health was something other people experienced, not me. I don’t mean to sound arrogant, but I do plead ignorance. I didn’t really understand much about it until recently. It’s been eye-opening.

For those of you who are familiar with my blog, you would know that I started it when I was diagnosed with cancer. I wanted to share my journey of that experience and still tell people that I believed God was good even then – even in the hard stuff, the struggle, the suffering…

Therefore, it seems appropriate that this new battle, this shadow is brought into the light.

I know I am not the only one who is going through this. It’s comforting and I don’t mean to say that in any way other than I am glad that there are others who know what I’m talking about – who have been there and walked their own walk. Like sitting in a waiting room for chemotherapy, surrounded by other patients who are waiting for theirs, I know that we’re all in this together. We are part of a community. Whether you are struggling with a shadow of your own or know someone who is, we are all in it together.

Speaking of shadows, there is a verse that I simply love because there is a type of shadow that I welcome…

‘The one who lives under the protection of the Most High dwells in the shadow of the Almighty.’ Psalm 91:1

There is a place of rest. The God I trust protects me, even now in the middle of this battle. His shadow I welcome, just like a mother gathers her chicks under her wing. It’s a place of safety.

I’ve often found that in the struggles, I come to know Jesus more. What’s more, Jesus knows what it’s like to suffer. I am comforted that He is able to understand me and know my innermost thoughts. He is my light.

In this sense, I welcome the struggle. Suffering brings me closer to God because I am leaning into Him, not relying on my own understanding but trusting in Him fully. Just as my son places his trust in me, so I look to my heavenly Father to meet all of my needs, to carry all of my burdens, to draw near to me in my time of need.

I may not understand why this battle has come, but I know the One who fights for me.

The LORD is my light and my salvation–whom should I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life–whom should I dread? Psalm 27:1