Two days after surgery, I am uncomfortable, tired and I feel weak. It is rather frustrating and I think ‘Wow, you sound so silly and self-involved.’ I mean, this is not the biggest, scariest surgery in the world. I am a pro at this operation recovery malarkey now. But I have to admit it. I need help.
Physically. I am finding it hard to do basic chores and feel like a lazy housewife. Today, I just found it hard to lift and to stand.
Mentally. My attitude was fragile this last four months. I was getting impatient at not finding work whilst I was recovering from my second operation. Trying to write and volunteer took the sting away of spending the days at home alone, but I just wanted Joel to stay at home. Not another day in the house by myself whilst another person wants to know how the job-hunt is going. I was offered a job yesterday that I had to turn down because I have to let this wound heal. *Bangs head against wall.* Now I am praying that I will fully surrender my mind and emotions to the Lord because as a believer, I have the mind of Christ Jesus and I am holding onto that truth (1 Corinthians 2:16).
Emotionally. There are a lot of emotions to surrender here. I cry buckets all the time at the moment. I’ve always been a bit of a crier… In Psalm 56:8 it says:
You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?
If the Lord can bottle every tear I cry and record all of these details of my life down, it is clear that God is a God of detail and most importantly, a God who cares about His people. He is interested in me and knows me. I can give Him my emotions with full assurance He knows what to do with them, even if I don’t!
Spiritually. There are days when I feel close to the Lord. But today, I felt so tired and frustrated I cried out like the psalmist and even Jesus Himself:
My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? Far from my deliverance are the words of my groaning. O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer; And by night, but I have no rest. Psalm 22:1-2
And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Matthew 27:46
I am sure I am not alone – there are days when we all feel low and despairing. I end up comparing my situation to others who are in awful situations such as the kidnapped Assyrian Christians, the homeless without food or shelter, those fleeing from persecution… I know that I am blessed and I am thankful for what I do have – truly.
Nonetheless, the Lord knows my heart. I cannot hide my frustrations, worries, fears and anxieties from Him. So I quit trying. I am open and honest before the Lord. Sometimes I think I am too honest – but like I said, God knows my heart. There is no use comparing my situation to others because this is my own individual, personal walk with God. I am taking up my own cross and following Him, not everyone else’s! (Matthew 16:24)
Marriage – In Sickness and in Health
There is no doubt that my help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth (Psalm 121:2). One of the ways the Lord has helped me is through my husband. We have not been married long and it has been an emotional and intense few months. I am thankful for Joel’s servant heart. He is the cheerful giver. He displays sacrificial love to me everyday.
During this difficult time, Joel has given me so much. His loving arms for a much needed cuddle. His comforting words of encouragement and truth. He has prayed with me. He has prepared my painkillers and fetched the water. He has washed my hair so my dressing would not get wet. He has cooked and washed up after a hard day at work. He helped to dress my wound from the second operation and patiently waited by my side when I would see the nurse. He called the ward on my behalf when we were concerned about the bleeding of the fresh wound. My husband is a cheerful giver – he does this all without complaining and most of the time with a smile and a sense of humour! As a wife is created to help her husband, my husband is faithfully loving, serving and helping me through this physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually challenging time.
Today, I am thankful that all our needs in our new marriage have been met. God has provided in the hardest of times and He will continue to do this throughout our lives – I am certain of that. It may not make much sense why God permits certain things to take place in our lives. But I am no stranger to the difficult times – in fact, I feel like I can greet this struggle like an old friend. The struggles of life keep me close to the Lord. And there is no place I would rather be than in the arms of my Saviour.