It’s a grim place to be standing on the fringes of the faith I profess. I am tired of going through the motions. I can’t pretend that I am content with staying in a bubble of belief where everyone can see me, but I feel trapped and unable to breathe. Have I gone crazy? Am I turning my back on being a Christian?
Lord, burst this bubble and set me free.
The exchanges between the guys in this video makes me cringe (I think that’s the point!). It reminds me that I don’t want to get stuck on a conveyor belt of Christianity where I speak more like the (Christian) culture around me and am no longer demonstrating in my life what it truly means to follow Jesus. This is a journey I plan to take all of my life so I do not want to try and make it seem as if I have it all figured out!
This post is written by a worn out believer, but a believer nonetheless. The sense of going through the motions of being a Christian feels like poison working its way through my veins. When every spare moment of my life is filled to the brim with ‘stuff’ that makes me forget my first love, Jesus Christ, the relationship I have with God gets pushed further back in my head and my heart starts to feel numb.
Real Christ-following faith is a relationship. How I long for my veins to be filled once more with the life-giving blood of Jesus.
So what’s gone wrong?
I’m distracted. I’m too busy. I am filling up my life with important(ish) things, but completely forgetting about God. He has become an afterthought. I am not writing this out of a sense of guilt. I am writing this because I am frustrated with saying I follow Jesus, when a lot of the time I follow Him a little way, get a bit weary and then take another route and kind of hope He doesn’t notice.
What a miserable place it is when God is not first in my life. Knowing Jesus is like needing air to breathe or water to live – I can’t live without Him. Yet somehow, my life is desperate to carry on without the fuel of the Holy Spirit that is needed to live it fully. I am somewhat existing here, but without Jesus as the King of my heart, I am not truly alive. It’s a half-life. Once you know that Jesus loved you so much, that He died for you to bring you back into right relationship with God, your life changes for the better. It doesn’t get easier. It gets harder. Following Jesus is hard.
So why bother?
Life without Christ leads to an eventual eternity separated from God. God doesn’t send people to hell – He loved everyone enough to die for them when they did their worst. Yet, when we choose to live a life apart from God, we are basically choosing to separate ourselves from His love. We are rejecting real, everlasting, unfailing love itself.
‘For at just the right time, while we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. It is rare indeed for anyone to die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God proves His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.’ Romans 5:6-8
A life without knowing that Jesus Christ loves you is like putting yourself in the bubble, floating through life; watching it without ever fully participating in the fullness of being here. Then one day, the bubble bursts, but what will save you? I pray that you will fall into the arms of Love – real, life-saving love from the Saviour.
‘Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.’ John 15:13
Sometimes I don’t want to wait for God as much as I want to run to Him. I want to run back to that place where it’s just me and God hanging out, being honest, having a conversation behind closed doors where no one is looking or listening.
The bubble has burst. As I fall back into the arms of real Love and there is nothing else left besides me and God, I am right back where I need to be. God is not angry, but gently speaks tender words to the brokenness and mends my heart for His glory.
An Anchored Hope 
Oh Ruth, I want to give you a big hug. You have encouraged me so much by being so real. I’m feeling so angry with ‘religion’ and like you, just want to ‘be’ with my Lord who I love. Keep resting in Him, lovely…and breathe in his grace.
Thank you for the cuddle – I am really glad you are encouraged and understand where I am coming from! Breathing in His grace today and definitely going to rest in Him more… it’s tiring work otherwise! I hope you’re keeping well 🙂
This Is so beautiful – you write so well and it’s so heartfelt. What a great reminder for us all on the frustration that is caused when we stop putting God first this is a challenge we all face but don’t often voice – thank you for being brave x
Thank you Tania – it came from a place of weariness and frustration! It’s inspired me to give up sleep for lent by getting up earlier, with a key part of it to be spending more time with God 🙂 I hope you’re doing well – miss you! x